Lessons from a Bride

So you’ve found someone you want to marry. Maybe you’re engaged, or maybe you’re not even talking about it but you’re smiling at each other and thinking about it. I got married six months ago, and I couldn’t be happier. I highly recommend marriage, generally. But there are some things you should know about getting married.

Now, I don’t expect you to believe most, or even any, of this right now, because you’re in love and you two are special and you’re going to do things differently; the right way. Listen: that’s what everyone thinks. Few people accomplish that. Fewer than you’d think, probably, because not many people are going to admit they planned on doing it differently, the right way, but didn’t succeed.

But that’s why you have me! I was going to have a no stress, totally laid back wedding. I was going to be the Ideal Bride-to-Be with no hang-ups on meaningless drivel. We were going to have a simple, inexpensive wedding that people would remember forever as a great time.

I think we succeeded in the last part - I’m told our wedding was a blast. I had a pretty good time myself, which I see as a success. But it turned out to be way more stressful getting to that day than I anticipated. And I’m going to tell you why I think that was. You won’t believe me, probably, or won’t take any of this to heart and that’s ok. I’m documenting my experience. Come back and tell me about yours so we can figure out exactly how to go about this getting married thing the Right Way.

1) the debt you think will be manageable isn’t really worth it.

We told ourselves, we’re saving money, we just need the cash now so put it on the card and we’ll pay it off later. We said, we just have to get through the next few months and then we’ll pay the whole thing off in full. We assured ourselves we have a strong financial situation overall, a little credit card debt isn’t going to kill us.

And that last part, I still think/tell myself, is true. But really, I wish we hadn’t racked up all that debt. I don’t wish that we hadn’t treated ourselves to nights out as often as we did, because we needed those for psychological well being. Instead, I wish that when it came down to making choices about our wedding, we’d drawn a firmer line across what we could and could not afford.

We even did a good job – our wedding cost about half what the average American wedding costs, and plenty of it was paid in cash. But the fact is we spent so much of our cash on the wedding, we needed credit to afford the fun stuff we needed to do to relax.

2) Some fights aren’t yours to fight.

This one could really be one of the things I’ve learned so far from being married. But its both. The fact is, nothing, not even your wedding, is all about you. It’s all about lots of complicated people and things and, when it has nothing to do with you, you need to recognize that and leave it alone.

There is a difference, however, between leaving something alone and ignoring it. By all means, address it. But in limited terms. Offer your support and understanding, for example, but don’t hoist your own battle flag.

3) You always feel better in the long run when you keep your cool than when you flip your shit.

In the same vein, keep this in mind when planning your wedding: you and everyone you love are about to immerse themselves in this venture, but the stress of doing so has nothing to do with picking colors or food or dresses, like you’d think it would. Everyone who plays a part in a wedding comes to the table with baggage that has nothing to do with you or your husband to be. The day isn’t just about the two of you, it’s about all the baggage your two groups of friends and families have about you, and the institution of marriage, and their own lives.

You goal, really, is to find a way to get all that baggage sorted and put away as neatly as possible so you can get through the motions that say you’re married. Because remember, if it has nothing to do with you, it’s not your fight to fight. You’re just trying to throw a fun party. Hanging up on people, yelling, and giving your friends and family the cold shoulder sound satisfying, but they won’t help you reach your ultimate goal.

Besides, after all of this you go on your honeymoon, where it really is all about the two of you. That vacation has more to do with what marriage really means than any other part of the whole process.

Learning is more important than a neatly constructed career

It's very difficult to figure out what you want to do with your life. People, including me, say "I have so many interests that I can’t narrow them down", but that is a cop out. Probably the honest answer is that we're afraid to figure out what we want in our lives.

I picked writing early on in life. I wanted to be an author or some kind of journalist; to have my own column maybe. I’ve realized, however, that these are intensely competitive jobs that I don’t want to devote that much time and energy to. Which makes me think I’m just not a passionate person.

But then I think I’m just not passionate about that particular career. I could be passionate about something else. That means it’s something different than what I always thought.

I picked marketing next, specifically web marketing and social media – new cool stuff that is interesting and exciting and always changing. My dad is a salesman and I was always told I could do just what he does fabulously. An easy choice.

But then I realized marketers’ goals is to sell people stuff that they don’t necessarily need. I don’t want to be partially responsible for cluttering people’s minds and homes. And after a while, reading about the latest technology that will interrupt you on your phone got boring to me too. I don’t want to invade people’s privacy, I want to make the organizations in power more accountable to the people.

Which leads me to think right now that what I really want is to go into politics – which is another something that I always kind of wanted to do. I wanted to be the Secretary of State, that’s why I majored in international studies. There is a lot about politics that terrifies me, but, the further away I get from the stress of the wedding, the more I think it’s dumb that it terrifies me. That I could handle Politics just fine. Look at all the idiots who are doing it right now.

But it makes me scared to commit to politics or education or both because I don’t see a track that I could follow. It’s also scary because I’ve always thought about getting into politics or education, so what makes them any different than writing? What makes me think I could succeed or enjoy or be passionate about them?

The fact is you don't know until you try. It doesn’t matter if there’s a track laid out. I committed to writing and that didn’t work. I can always keep writing, and I can always come back to it. I should try web marketing just for kicks and see if that’s more fun than it looks.

What terrifies me the most is waking up 20 years from now and not know what happened to my life. Does that happen to everyone? Can we avoid it? I feel like telling myself to look for small ways to help is a cop out. That I can do better than that. Is that because I’m part of Gen Y, and we were told from birth we could be the president, so anything less feels unsatisfactory?

But you can only see a common thread through someone’s career in retrospect, unless they knew what they wanted to do from the very beginning. Which is a pretty boring way to go through life, in my opinion. It's more interesting and fulfilling to try new things, always do your best, and keep learning all along no matter what.

When to stop writing lists

I read something the other day about a blogger being frustrated that no one gave him/her a map of what to do when you're a grownup. The blogger said added a parenthetical: (like all Gen Yers) and that resonated with me so much.

I was complaining to myself today at lunch about why no one tells me things relevant to social situations I find myself in. Like how to behave one someone does this. Or what it means when someone says this. Or what people do in this situation.

Sometimes, I think I have Asperger's or some Autism-spectrum issue because I so often feel like I'm barely keeping up with what's going on around me. This makes me feel like a loser who can't get her life together and makes way too many mistakes to ever be successful.

I've read a fair amount on Asperger's and Autism out of general interest, but my personal diagnosis comes from two places:

- that my mom has said she thinks my dad has Asperger's and there's a hereditary element to it, and
- what I read from Penelope Trunk's blog.

Not very good sources, admittedly.

Penelope has Asperger's and talks a lot about developing, testing, and following rules for social encounters. She talks a lot about many other things she does to cope with this disease that aren't relevant to me, but that always sticks. All the time, I want to write down all the different rules that exist for me to follow in a given day so I remember it all and have it all pulled together.

But then I think about what that blogger said and wonder if plenty of Gen Yers have this same issue: a hard time navigating the world. Just about my entire life was mapped our and prescribed to me in syllabis, course catalogs, and progress reports. I was a Girl Scout, where you completed a list of specific steps and got a badge. I played tennis, where you showed up at certain times, did certain things, and had a specific rank on the team which dictated which matches you played.

Today, I write list after list after list of things I own, things I need, tasks to accomplish, food to buy, nutrients to consume every day, exercises to preform. I fantasize about creating a giant master list with all the steps I need to take and all the rules I need to follow in a day so I can have one day that's totally pulled together and I'm completely in control and getting everything done smoothly, gracefully, and efficiently.

But it's not lists that are the solution. Even if I mapped out tomorrow down to the minute, all I would do is react the same way I used to react to a semester's worth of reading assignments: do a little bit as I go, wait to the last minute and then do it all at once.

And maybe (probably) this isn't a problem unique to Gen Y. Older generations often had just as, or even more, prescribed lives than we did. Maybe Gen Y's uniqueness comes from how hyper-aware and well trained in the art of reflection we are.

So what is the solution?

Maybe it's accepting that everyone goes through their days feeling a little bit out of control, not accomplishing everything that they want and making mistakes, and that is simply the way people live and it's ok.

Maybe it's also understanding that what I interpret as people having everything pulled together is really people doing a good job behaving gracefully even when they feel that little bit lost that everyone feels.

If I can't control every minute of my life with lists, at least I can control how I act, react, and behave as I muddle through. More specific instructions and guidelines aren't the answer - letting going, to a certain degree, of intense and continuous assessment of every task I'm working on is probably closer to the answer.

Don't be angry and other lessons

I've learned a few things already today. Well, I suppose I've been learning them as I go, but I put them into coherent thoughts today.

1) It's much much easier to take care of myself and my house when CW is gone for 24 hours. Any more than that, and I'm lonely and miss him. But that amount of time is just enough for me to be busy doing things like cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry.

AG told me we're in the honeymoon phase, where, when we're together, it's a great big party. I feel like we've been in that phase since I moved into CW's apartment with MC the Sailor (and MC the Artist): lots of pizza and beer, staying up too late, not taking care of things on a regular basis like dishes. Party time. She said that goes away eventually and to enjoy it. But it's kind of nice to not party all the time and get shit done. I suppose its a testament to how big a fan of CW I am that I can't tear myself away?

Don't tell him that, it'll go to his head.

2) I should have spent less time in college worrying about getting laid, getting drunk, and getting along with friends/being cool and wallowed in my own wonderful nerdiness. I got to spend four years doing nothing but reading, writing and learning, but instead of enjoying that process, it stressed me out so I, ahem, partied.

Is there a theme here?

I have a rule about regrets: don't have them. I don't want to regret how I spent my college years - I made those choices and I had a pretty awesome time. MC the Artist can attest. Instead, I'll blame Society - 18 is way too fucking young to go to college, ok guys? I'm a pretty hard core nerd, and pretty self-sufficient and hardworking, but I was too young to focus on learning or know what the hell I was doing.

3) I need to apply my philosophy about regrets to being angry. Being angry, often, is a waste of time and energy and ruins my day. Sometimes its ok to be angry, like when my government tramples on my rights as an individual or other governments treat people poorly, unfairly, or kill them. Etc.

But you know what? It's really really not worth it to get as mad as I do about other things. Like people I work with, or bad drivers, or trash that needs to be taken out. No big deal man, let it go.

Meditation might be the answer here - take five minutes every day at lunch to sit still and relax.

It also helps when I wake up early and give myself time in the morning. I'm in a much better mood after drinking a cup of tea and catching up on Twitter than rolling out of bed and running out the door.

So CW, we really need to cut back on morning snuggle time. Maybe the take-out pizza too, to reduce the pug. But probably not the beer, ok? I still have some party left in me.

7 ways to do better work when your job sucks

1. Its all about your frame of mind. Think whatever you need to think to do the bullshit tasks that you’re expected to do. If you need to get mad, convince yourself you’re the underdog and you’ll show them by doing a fantastic job, do that. If you need to force a smile and whistle while you work when, in truth, you can feel your soul dying inside, do that. The power of positive thinking my friend: fake it till you make it, or come up with whatever frame of mind you need to do the next steps.
2. Write down exactly what you’re expected to do in your job. I, for example, have three main areas of responsibility, each with specific tasks associated with them. You don’t like writing stuff down, making lists etc? Tough cookies. Do it so you can look at it. It’ll help, I promise.
3. Break down those areas of responsibilities and tasks even further to daily routines. What do you have to do first thing every morning? What needs to happen every week, or at the end of every month, in order for you not to get fired?
4. Now that you know just what needs to be done, you can estimate how long each task will take. I guarantee you its less than the 8 hours you’ll be sitting at your desk today. This is good news.
5. Look for other shit laying around that needs to be taken care of, and take care of it in your extra time. Filing stuff, cleaning stuff, replacing stuff, organizing stuff. You think it’s beneath you? Dude, you have a terrible job. What else could be beneath you? Just do it. Someone will appreciate it, and you’ll always look busy.
6. Then you have maybe a little extra time. I use that to write shit like these blog posts, or make up stories, or read interesting news stuff about zombies and aliens. Mostly to think. It’s nice to have my brain stimulated once in a while, and it feels like I’m actually creating something that a divine human being like myself should be doing, instead of the tedious, repetitive stuff I do otherwise that a lower ape could handle.
7. And look at that, you’re filing all your responsibilities, doing a little extra that makes your stupid supervisors happy, and you have a little time to yourself from 430 to 530 maybe to think about your big plans and goals and dreams.

And you’re not going to get anywhere if you aren’t dreaming.

What to do when you feel crappy about your job

So your boss is an idiot, you aren’t doing tasks anywhere close to your potential, and your self-esteem, and self-respect, is pretty low accordingly. Welcome to life as a graduate in 2010, when your entry-level job has no opportunities for learning and professional development.

You can numb yourself with alcohol, carbohydrates, sugar and TV and bitch about the economy, sure. But that’ll result in a big belly, big thighs, and even less progress.

So what do you do when you feel crappy about your job?

You remember it’s just a job. It’s not your life and it doesn’t define you.

Then you think about what does define you or what you want to define you. Then spend the 7 or 8 hours of the day when you’re not at work or sleeping doing that. Writing, acting, dancing, exercising, fixing things, painting things, caring for people or things.

Ok, so now you’re working out after work to get rid of all that frustration. You’ve started the next great American novel with 30 minutes of furious writing every day at lunch. You volunteer once a week at an animal shelter. But your job still sucks and you still lie in bed at 5am dreading the alarm and having to drag yourself out of bed every morning.

Then get a new job.

I’m not kidding, you can do it. You think if you want just a few more months you’ll be in a better position to do something – whatever. That’s an excuse.

You think because you’re not shining like a rockstar at your current job, no one else wants you and, in fact, you don’t deserve anything else. That’s bullshit. First of all, you can always do better at your current job, which will make you feel better; we’ll address those strategies soon. But second of all, negative environments have a negative effect on people. Look for a new job with a positive environment that will allow you to shine.

Start looking for a new job now while you have a job. You’re not desperate; you could stick it out where you are. And when you go for a job interview, remember: you’re interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you – ask questions and try to find a place where you can grow and shine.

So all the people out there with craptastic jobs, quit the bullshit and take heart! We're all in this together and there's a way out!

What to do when you’re not ok

This is not professional or clinical advice, this is just me talking about what I’ve decided to do now that I’ve admitted to myself and CW that I am not ok. And now that I've admitted it to you.

It’s a hard thing to do. Even when things are really bad, I tell myself I’m ok, or at least everything will be ok. I’m the rock, that’s what I do. I think that’s what most people do. But after a while, I couldn’t even fool myself. I’d let so much slip over the last two years that I was barely functioning on a civilized level. Not difficult stuff, people, we’re talking basic necessities: eating and sleeping and hygiene.

CW and I have accomplished the goal we set out to achieve two years ago. It was a long and difficult road that shook me up badly, but now that the mission is accomplished, I can take a step back and say

“I’m not ok. I need to make myself ok now.”

That means every morning:

• taking Maddie for a long walk,
• eating something healthy for breakfast,
• brushing my teeth, and
• looking decently professional for work.

• It means focusing on work while I’m at work.

• It also means eating something marginally healthy for lunch every day.

• And it means getting some exercise in the evening, having a healthy dinner, having a conversation with my husband, and brushing my teeth again before going to bed at a decent hour.

Just writing all of that down makes me a little nervous. These are ambitious steps for me right now.

Especially brushing my teeth – for some reason, when I’m angry or sad, I can’t bring myself to go in the bathroom and take the two minutes to clean my teeth after they’ve worked so hard all day. I’ll pee right before going to bed, hop under the covers, and groan because I didn’t brush them, but feel that it is completely impossible to go back into the bathroom now. It’s too late at that point. Tomorrow morning, I promise myself. But of course I don’t brush them then either. I probably have a dozen cavities after two years of sporadic brushing.

So after admitting that I am not ok right now, I’ve decided to brush my teeth twice a day. Maybe after a few weeks of that, I’ll add flossing at night (something I’ve never been able to do regularly my entire life). Maybe by 2011 I’ll become a model of dental hygiene that my formal self won’t even recognize, bringing a toothbrush to work to brush after lunch or some such nonsense.

The good news is for a Monday morning, and a holiday on which I'm working, I'm surprisingly optimistic. Cavities, watch out.

It's ok to be alone

For my whole life, I'm not sure that I've ever been alone as much as I have this week.

Technically, I'm not really at all. I'm "with" CW, even though he's not here right now. I'm living in OUR apartment, and he'll be home on Saturday.

But it feels like I'm alone. I have to do everything for myself, like buy new filters for the Brita pitcher, unclog the toilet, clean the floors, plan the meals, make plans. It's weird to not have someone else I can call or text to ask "hey pick this up" or "bring this upstairs".

When I was a kid, there were 3 or 4 or 5 other kids running around my house. Plus my mom and dad. And then I was in school surrounded by people. Then I went to college and had basically no privacy. Then I lived at home again, then I lived with CW and MC (and the other MC for most of the time), and now I live with Chris.

Every once in a while, I'll have a few hours or an afternoon or even a whole night to myself, but during this past week, I've woken up, eaten most of my meals, and gone to bed alone.

I have been hyper aware and very careful to make as many plans as possible this week so I wouldn't be alone for any real length of time. I was afraid of being with just myself, at least I was for the first few days. Last Thursday night I consoled myself with disgusting pizza. I ran away for the weekend to Maine to be with my family. I cried on Sunday night after I hung up the phone with CW - that was the last I expected to talk to him until Friday or Saturday. (For almost 6 years, I've always been able to call him, no matter the time of day or where he was in the world; maybe there was a day or two at a time when we coudn't touch base, but never 10 whole days. In fact, I don't think I've been unable to reach someone I loved for that long in my whole life.) Monday I worked until 10pm, and Tuesday I went out to dinner and went shopping.

But then Wednesday, I woke up so happy. It was a beautiful day, I was so comfortable, I had a delicious breakfast. And even though I had plans with AG later in the evening, I didn't feel the need to schedule every minute to keep busy until I'd be with someone again. I puttered around the house cleaning up. I had a cocktail and read a book. It was ok.

This morning, I watched this video, which both put into perspective how very not alone I actually am, and made me happy that I was enjoying, to a certain extent, having the apartment to myself. In fact, I thought to myself, I ought to be alone more often.

Sometimes I spend too much time in my head, and I need CW, or someone else, to snap me out of it. But maybe if i let myself get lost in my own head more often, I'd be better at finding my way back out of it.

Getting sleep and reaching goals

There is a pretty cool thing going on called the 30-Day Personal Revoltion Lifestyle Challenge. I was reading about it, checking out peoples' "bucket lists" for the upcoming month, following the Twitter conversation, and getting kind of excited. I could totally do this: publicize my efforts for the next month to accomplish all the goals I keep setting for myself but never complete.

For those who are new:

• exercising every day
• taking my dog Maddie on a long walk every day
• eating three healthy meals each day
• and flossing.

But then, after I made this list, I realized. The last thing I need to accomplish my goals is another list. I write lists like there's no tomorrow, people, ok? And I've tried the getting-the-public-to-hold me accountable thing. Frankly, that's not your responsibility. Who wants to do that?

Then I was reading Peneleope Trunk again, just re-reading archived posts because I like reminding myself of the little nuggets of wisdom she has that resonate so much with me, and stumbled across one about sleep. And how you don't necessarily need 8 hours, but they reccomend 6 or 7, and if you don't get enough, that grogginess you feel is the equivalent of yu after four beers.

(All of that is linked to in her post, I just can't find t now. Besides, I think you should go poke around on her site anyway.)

And I thought: what if I just stopped trying to make myself get up after 6 hours of sleep and exercise? When I get 7 hours, I don't need to drag myself out of bed.

It's important when you set goals to also set yourself up to succeed, not undermind yourself. How often have we heard or read that? But there I was basically doing that.

I keep saying 'I exercise more reliably when I do it in the morning.' And although whenever I do work out in the morning, I feel great, I DON'T ACTUALLY DO IT. EVER. So what the hell am I talking about??

Penelope also had a post about how, when you insert self-discipline into one small area of your life, it creeps into others on its own. I've already decided the real goal I need to have is to be more disciplined, and now I have the perfect way: just get 7 whole hours of sleep every night.

That means going to sleep by 1130pm and getting up when my alarm goes off at 630am. Then going on a 30-minute walk with Maddie, eating a healthy breakfast, taking a shower and going to work.

(Is there something wrong with me that I need to spell that out for myself?)

I can always exercise in the afternoon when I get home when I'm alert and have energy And 30 minute walk in the morning is both not challenging and exercise, to an extent.

Awesome: the key to reaching my goals is more sleep!

I just read a really fascinating article from The Atlantic published June 2009 about the Harvard Grant study, which “followed 268 men who entered college in the late 1930s through war, career, marriage and divorce, parenthood and grandparenthood, and old age” to try and answer the question: “is there a formula—some mix of love, work, and psychological adaptation—for a good life?”

It depends on how one defines a good life. If there is one single thing you aim and strive for in life, be it money, fame, children, whatever, then you're missing out on the MIX part, the balance that I think is necessary to be happy.

If the definition of a successfully life is a long one which, at the end of it, one feels generally happy and feels generally well, then here’s what you have to do:

• Use mature adaptations (more on that below),
• Get educated,
  
• Maintain a stable marriage,
• Not smoke,
• Not abuse alcohol,
• Get some exercise,
• Maintain a healthy weight,
• And maintain good relationships, especially with your siblings.

Note the importance of the verb maintain there. I didn't do that on purpose, that's just how these things have to be written if you want to make them an actionable command. These are things that you have to work at over time - your whole life in fact.

The funny thing about the article is, after so many years of tests and surveys and research, the results are very simple and straightforward. I suppose it's the putting them into practice that is the hard part. When asked what the secret to a good life is, psychiatrist George Vaillant, who has been the chief curator of this study for 42 years, essentially said two things:

“That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.”

and

“What we do, [as in our work] affects how we feel just as much as how we feel affects what we do.”

For me, that means people, to be live a long, happy, healthy life, need a purpose: work that keeps them busy and means something, contributes to the larger world in a positive way and good relationships with other people.

The article explained adaptations as defenses against emotional challenges we face, large and small, every day. There are four levels:

• Psychotic: “like paranoia, hallucination, or megalomania, which, while they can serve to make reality tolerable for the person employing them, seem crazy to anyone else.”
• Immature: “acting out, passive aggression, hypochondria, projection, and fantasy. These aren’t as isolating as psychotic adaptations, but they impede intimacy.”
• Neurotic: which “are common in “normal” people. These include intellectualization (mutating the primal stuff of life into objects of formal thought); dissociation (intense, often brief, removal from one’s feelings); and repression."
  
• And mature: altruism, humor, anticipation (looking ahead and planning for future discomfort), suppression (a conscious decision to postpone attention to an impulse or conflict, to be addressed in good time), and sublimation (finding outlets for feelings, like putting aggression into sport, or lust into courtship).”

It seems like all the people who drive me nuts, that I very much dislike, and can't stand generally, exhibit immature adaptations. Isn't that comforting?

I didn't understand the intellectualization adaptation, which is why I looked it and most of the others up and linked to their Wikipedia articles. I think I didn't fully understand it because I use it. I don't feel to bad though, because Bones uses it to a much greater extreme than I do.

Maybe because I'm a virgo, but I had a lot of fun looking to see where I fit into all of this.

I have pretty good relationships with my family, and I have good friends who are important to me and I think I'm important to them.

I'm well educated, I think, and plan to be more so.

I don't exercise enough and I probably drink too much. That doesn't bother me at the moment, but I'm beginning to think I ought to pay more attention now, in my young-and-healthy-20s. So that's something I know I need to work on.

I'm getting married in September and I couldn't be happier about it, so I although I know we need to work at maintaining our relationship for the long haul, I'm optimistic.

And as for adaptations, I think I use humor, anticipation, and supression effectively, but opt for projection and intellectualization than altruism or sublimination. But it was also comforting that the study showed, over time, nearly all the subjects gradually adopted "mature" adaptations and shed the lower ones.

This led me to think: what about when I KNOW I'm acting out, being passive aggressive, and projecting as a reaction to some emotional unpleasentness, and that there's a better reaction, but react that way anyway? Is that just immaturity that will go away with time; just me being 23 and taking advantage of the opportunity to sort of get away with it? Or is it truly immature behavior that I need to work on? Honestly, sometimes its more satisfying to slam a door or whine or blame the weather than take responsibility for myself, even when I know its wrong, if only for a little while. I suppose it is for everyone.

Maybe, being an "adult" in Gen Y is about striving for the always doing the right thing, but, unlike other generations, being ok when you don't make it. As long as you're honest about the process.

We Ditched the TV and Rely on the Web for Entertainment

...in April. You might remember. It's been three months, and here's our update.

So far, so good. We barely notice that we don't have TV except for all the Red Sox games we've missed. Well, maybe I'll speak for myself and let CW speak for himself.

I haven't, unfortunately, dramatically cut back on how much time I spend staring at the big screen in our living room, but it's nice that I'm not bombarded with advertising during those three or four hours on the couch. So that's a plus. Also, we're watching more of exactly what we want (like Weeds, South Park, LOST, 24, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and less crap in between (like Family Guy). Also I'v become a huge fan of documentaries, nature (especially those featuring David Attenborough) or otherwise. So, in a way, I'm learning from my TV instead of just consuming it. Maybe.

I have also realized just how deeply in love I am with Netflix. Really - it knows no bounds. Did you know you can watch James and the Giant Peach on there? Seriously, go watch it right now. Although sometimes Netflix occasionally disappoints, it more than makes up for the movies it doesnt have with the gems that it does.

How to take on day at a time

It never fails: I post or talk about productivity and, immediately after, experience my least productive day in a long while. Why? Discipline.

I've read before, but I can't find the source now, that discipline is like any muscle in your body. That idea became one of those quick-hits that resonated with me immediately. Of course it is - there isn't necessarily something innately wrong with me or anyone else you has little self-discipline, me or that other person simply hasn't made exercising self-discipline a priority.

I'm Gen Y, guys, I get what I want when I want it, remember?

But how do you strengthen your discipline muscle? Here's what I'm trying.

I'm starting small. During one of my many attempts to Go to the Gym Every Day for Real, You Guys, I'd spend more than an hour working out and loving it. I was totally feeling and loving that burn, you know? Doing circuits after circuits, rocking out, being a gym hero. The gym I went to was totally going to hire me a spokesperson after that day.

Then I'd spend 30 mins at the gym the next day. Then I'd skip the next day. And then next. Then it was Friday and I had plans for the weekend. I'd fizzle out and spend a month ignoring the fact I wasn't going before feeling guilty enough to start all over again.

Not any more. New goal for getting in shape? Just getting up at the same time every morning and going to the gym. I don't even care if I walk on the treadmill and watch infomercials for 30 minutes while I'm half asleep. I aim to just show up and do something.

Same with my other personal goal: eat healthier. The number one thing I'd like to do better in that realm is just eat my goddamn breakfast. I don't even care if its a single piece of toast - the point is I can't say I'm going to go from eating nothing to making a traditional Irish breakfast feast every morning and expect it actually happen.

My other personal improvement goal is to read more. I used to read books like no one's business. Then a little thing called College came in and made reading about speed and counting pages. Lame! I have my list of books and I'm going to start carrying around the first one on that list everywhere I go. And I'm going to read for 10 or 20 minutes every day while I eat lunch. I'd like to get to read a book a week (all the Smart People on the Internet do that, you guys) but if it takes me two months to get through that first book, so be it. I'm establishing a habit through consistent behaviors.

When I won't want to go to the gym or read, it'll be easier to do it because the bar is low. Once it's easy to meet that bar, I raise it a little. But my self-discipline muscle will be all warmed up by then, so it won't see quite so hard.

Or so I think. We'll see how it goes.

Work Sucks and Then You Die

This week has been one of those weeks for me, as in, I have zero motivation for my job. Not just that but mostly that. Maybe you know the feeling: you have a list of things to do, a deadline approaching, expectations to meet from several different sources….and you just don’t care. This morning, I likened it to when May hits and you’re in school. You have a lot of high-pressure work to do, but you just don’t care and spend your time thinking about other, maybe more interesting stuff.

I’m SO there. I’ve been making travel plans for the next three years. Anyone interested in an Ireland/Scotland trip in 2012? (Assuming the world doesn’t end…)

The other day, I was wasting time on Texts From Last Night (which has the interesting effect of both making me feel better about my life and making me somewhat jealous of those people) and found this doozie:

The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making.

That quickly extrapolated to how many bottles of Jack Daniels I earn in a day, which should be no surprise to most of you. (It’s about one every three hours for the 750 ml, in case you were interested.)

But look, I said to myself this morning, thinking about bottles of Jack Daniels is no way to get through the day. It’s not healthy, in any sense of the word. How am I going to get out of a slump like this if all I can think about is Jack Daniels, as handsome and delicious as he is? Instead, let’s think positive.

For some reason, today I’ve also been obsessed with the Harvard Business Review. Dudes: they have SO many smart, easily digestible, and actionable posts on there. I highly recommended it: procrastination and self-improvement all in one! (Also, they are looking for a marketing coordinator, I job I could totally do, and I think I’m going to apply! Excitement!)

There are a lot of parentheses in this post.

Anyway, this obsession led me to this post, among many others, which inspired me to make a list of positive features of my current place of employment. So here it goes:

1. VERY short commute, even with all the lights and crazy people trying to get to the Beverly High School.
2. Casual working environment: no big deal if I have a bad hair day or need to wear my Crappy Work Pants one day because of laundry issues
3. I have a huge amount of control over my work flow and am largely left alone, which is a way of working that works for me.

I feel better already.

Motivation 2

I found two other commentaries on motivation in the last few weeks. One I can't find now, but it reiterate my closing remarks in my last post: breaking things down and making incremental change. The author talked about reducing spending on entertainment by 5% each month until she reached her goal of spending 50% less in 2009 than she did in 2008. And she talked about averages: at the beginning of 2009, she spent 75% of what she'd spent, on average, each month in 2008 because it would be too hard cut her habits in half right away. By December, she was spending much less than she'd spent each month in 2008, but the reduction wasn't painful because she'd made it gradually.

The other is a post today on the Harvard Business Review (which is not stuffy or too over-your-head and has become one of my favorite blogs to read these days) about how to motivate yourself. It basically blows up the saying "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" to a thousand words, but the story the Peter Bregman uses to illustrate it is a good one.
(Image from Erupting Mind)

Plus he talks about the concept of scheduling time for second guessing yourself, which I've never thought of before. I'll have to consider how I could implement that in my daily life. Of course, just thinking about it now, I figure when its 6am and I don't want to go for a run, the thought of reevaluating my goal to exercise more at 2pm that afternoon won't be enough to motivate me; at 6am, all I want is to stay in bed and its very easy to ignore what I know my 2pm self will say when she's not even in the room.

That idea is much more applicable at work. I know that the days when I take 30 minutes to go through my Google Reader are less productive over all because I'm thinking about what I've read, what I could blog about, what I should share with people. Not my work. The days when I exercise the discipline to do one thing, even one small thing, on my to-do list right when I sit down are the days when I'm most productive because I'm in work mode from the first minute.

It's like when you're a kid and your parents say you can have desert after you eat dinner. Today, I like to think life's short, eat desert first! and assert my independence by eating cookies at 5 before we cook dinner. But, it turns out, Parents know what they are talking about - the days when I save desert for 8pm, when dinner is done, the kitchen is clean, and I'm comfy on the couch with my one true love (Netflix), are the evenings I enjoy it the most.

Talking about Money

From what I gather, money is the thing most couples in the US fight about, and I imagine that's true all around the world. Money makes the world go 'round, you see. They say that couples who can talk effectively about money succeed and those who can't, don't.

Here's what a typical conversation CW and I have about money:

One of the other: AHHHH WE HAVE NO MONEY.

The other: Calm down babe here's some right here.

The first: WE'LL NEVER SAVE FOR THE WEDDING/PAY OUR BILLS/AFFORD CHILDREN

The second: Sure we will lets do some math...feel better? Ok lets order some pizza, buy some whiskey, and get drunk so we forget about this until later.

And later, the second picks up where the first left off panicking about CREDIT CARD DEBT, or LOANS, or a CRAPPY, LOW PAYING JOB.

Hopefully, we're not alone. Not that I want anyone of you lovelies to live from paycheck-to-OMG WHEN DO I GET PAID like us. Or rather, like me. But that's what you get when you go into writing/journalism for a magazine and newspaper. Remember those things? With the pages? Exactly.

But I digress. I only mean that it would be comforting to know that other people do any of the following and that I won't be sent to personal finance hell for doing it myself:

• carry a balance on their credit card(s)
• spend too much
• live almost beyond your means
  
• pay half your income in housing and/or loans

And it would be nice to hear what you all do to talk about money in your life. Do you talk about it all? Just with you closest friends? What about your family?

I'm pretty sure everyone knows how poor I am. When it gets to the point that I turn down a fucking coffee at Starbucks cause I don't have any more cash to spend this week, its obvious to whoever I'm talking to that there is a problem. I like to think that the problem isn't so much how I spend money or that I spend to much, Because seriously, by the day before payday, I've got 30 bucks in the bank, one or two outstanding checks, and a strong hankering for a new bottle of whiskey. And a pizza. But usually I can find someone to split an order of Dominos with me. Thanks guys!

My big concern for myself is continuing to be honest. I've never lied to CW about anything and I haven't even stretched the truth to him about how much I've spent. But let me tell you: its HARD. The guilt over every dollar I hand across the counter when I know he's given me 50 bucks to cover an overdraft charge is intense. You can probably guess what he'd say:

"Money is there to be spent, and its all our money. I love you and I want you to enjoy yourself once in a while, so don't worry about it."

So honesty, certainly remains key. I can imagine he'd be singing a different tune if I'd been lying to him all this time.

What else? I'd say a shared opinion on values. It's hard to talk to anyone, let alone the person you have sex with, about money if you don't value the same things in life (maybe you shouldn't be having sex with that person?). Like, I value drinking whiskey and so does Chris and we both understand that. So if money is tight that week, I don't buy a bottle of tequila, but a bottle of whiskey we can share. Better example: we both value camping and want to make that a part of our lives. So we spend money on camping equipment that, to others, would be a complete waste.

That's really it, I think. And of course, the bottom line is everyone should remember that mone may make the world go 'round, but ti doesn't make it fun. Sex does that. And whiskey.

Quitting TV

We got rid of cable this weekend. It's been quite an adventure so far.

First, we started by hooking up my Mac Mini to the TV playing music and music videos on the big screen. Fun, but the mouse and keyboard didn't work from the couch, so we had to get up.

I bought a wireless mouse and keyboard that worked from across the room, and we started watching Bones and SNL skits on Hulu. It was great to take a break from the commercials, but we still had the cable in place as backup. Nothing like a little Good Eats before bed, you see.

But CW and I had been complaining about Comcast and talking about getting rid of cable altogether for months. We wanted to make the leap, but were afraid of the consequences: we'd never been without a TV for more than a few days for our entire lives. But about two weeks ago, I finally made the appointment and we went through with it: cable TV currently doesn't come to our house.

It was my second try.

The first time I called, I rehearsed: "Hello Comcast, this is Meg Flynn from 517 Broughton Drive, and I'd like to cancel my cable." It took a few times before I felt confident to dial the number. But when the friendly lady asked how she could help me that day, I sheepishly asked to down grade my package. I was even more sheepish when Chris came home and told him I had not only chickened out, but had left us with a miserable cable package that not only didn't have ESPN, but also didn't have SyFy. Even worse, we didn't have any TV service at all upstairs, and I had no idea how or why, but was too ashamed to call back and ask.

The injustice of it inspired us, so I called again and asked to cancel it for real.

"Hello Comcast, this is Meg Flynn from 517 Broughton Drive, and I'd like to cancel my cable."

Success! But I cringed, waiting for a fight, thinking is this guy asks why I'm cancelling or if there was a way for him to convince me to stay, I'm going to crumble.

You see, first of all, I hate Comcast since it's a power-hungry monopoly that doesn't provide goo enough service for the exorbitant charges it requires. Secondly, TV has a limited positive impact on our lives, if at all. There have been nights when the two of us, after a long day at work, sat on the couch from 6pm to 11pm watching reruns, Keeping up with the Kardashians, and worse: the local news broadcast. Barely saying a word to each other and only getting up to get something to eat. Feeling your brain turn to mush inside your skill would be a mind-blowing experience if you're mind was working at all at the time.

And seriously guys: do you have any idea how much marketing bullshit you're exposed to in a 120 minute period of TV watching? It's insane. And I speak from experience: it DOES effect you, even though you think you're better than that. It's getting in your brain, man.

This is all very snobby and hippie-elitist of me, I understand. I'd say not as much as this guy. But you know what? Family Guy isn't that funny and LOST will never satisfy you.

But I digress. The guy came on Saturday to take away our cable box and adjust our connection so that we'll only be getting Internet from now on. Ironically, the cost of Internet nearly doubled so we'll only be saving a few bucks a month with these change. Again with the snobbiness: I argue that our quality of life with improve significantly regardless.

Immediately, however, we recognized a problem: we now had no way of telling what time it was in our living/dining area. And we'd relied so completely on the cable box to know what time is was, all three of the clocks in our kitchen had been neglected to the point they now all read a different time. CW set to solving that problem. And other than that, things were ok. We survived the first day. We spent most of Saturday night watching videos on YouTube and Vevo on the big screen (which I'm not sure was any better than TV?).

But over the course of Sunday, we both independently realized a much bigger challenge lay ahead. We didn't say anything to each other; the fear was too great. Of all the times to cancel cable, I'd scheduled it for the day before Opening Day.

Not gonna lie: I panicked internally when I realized. But I didn't say anything unless CW was regretting the change too. I had to stay strong.

Fortunately, under the guise of enjoying the weather with friends, I invited us over to the Varnesi's house for a cook out and, conveniently, was able to watch the first few innings of the game on their TV. Unfortunately, the game started at 8pm, and everyone was tired: we needed a back up plan. So I suggested we turn on the radio in our room and listen to the game the old school way - how quiant!

That actually worked pretty well, and it's really a good thing I canceled it when I did, since if we were used to watching baseball every night, we'd never be strong enough to ditch the thing. Though I think the radio has more commercials than the TV between innings. Alas.

We're looking into some kind of web-based subscription for baseball. I'll let you know what we find, and how the experiment goes as we try to get through baseball season without a TV. I suppose the bottom line is this means we'll be going to the bar more often to watch the game, so call us if you'd like to come too!

Quitting the Gym

For the fifth time now, I've tried, and failed, to maintain a regular schedule at the gym. Every time, I go for a few days in the first week, sometimes even four in a row. I feel super excited. The next week, I go once. The week after that, I go twice. Then I stop altogether for weeks at a time and start all over again a month or so later.

Three of times I went through this cycle, I was paying for the membership. Twice, I had a workout buddy to go with. This most recent time, I had a wedding to get in shape for.

Every week for the last year, I've gone to bed on Sunday with every intention of going to the gym after work every day. I knew all the tricks: pack your bag the night before, keep it in the car, go to the gym closest to your work, park the car close to the gym so you have no excuse. Nothing helped.

Instead of beating myself up about this, this time, I've decided to accept defeat. I totally fail at going to the gym.

They say a failure isn't really a failure if you learn something from the experience. I don't care if I learned anything except that I don't consistently go to the gym.

There are lots of reasons people give, and I have in the past given, for not going to the gym. I used to be very self-conscious about changing in the locker rooms and everyone seeing me attempt a 20-minute mile on the treadmill, panting and clutching my side. I'm proud of how less self-conscious I've felt at the gym this most recent try, so that's not what is keeping me away.

It's not that I'm bored either. I often had a lot of fun exercising, was always happy after a work out, and several times I did lots of different exercises and had a great time.

Maybe the gym just isn't for me. Maybe that's just what people say when they give up on something. Who cares? I'm not going to renew my subscription and waste more money. Instead, I'm taking a different approach: bringing more balance to my life.

I've started doing silly little yoga poses in my living room every morning before breakfast; Maddie thinks I've gone nuts. I think about the amount of vegetables and fruits I consume compared with the amount of carbs instead of beating myself up over missing 30 minutes on the treadmill.

Since it's summer, I want to take advantage of how easy it is to be outside by taking longer walks with Maddie. I also want to go camping as often as possible - wouldn't it be awesome to go on a hiking/camping trip? Hike deep into the woods somewhere with everything you need on your back, sleep under the trees for a few nights, and then return to civilization? I think so.

That is the kind of activeness I want to pursue. I thought the gym would be a part of that, and maybe it will be in the future. Maybe all I need is great self-discipline and mindfulness and I'll become a gym junkie. But from now I, I refuse to feel guilty about not having a gym membership that I don't use and instead work on those skills for free!

Writing about Talking, Part One

Last week, I wrote about conversations in polite company and I realized I have a lot more to say about that.

What if that is just a form of censorship? Censorship is my nemesis. So I thought about it.

Think about this: so many people don’t want to talk about money, and the result is a population that is hugely under-educated about how the financial system works. Thus, the chaos that was 2009. It’s not polite to talk about how much you make, but if salaries were transparent there wouldn’t be jealousy or backbiting at work. (Probably there still would be; you’d also need a regular, honest, and trustworthy system for reviews, which is another post.)

And sex. I live in a liberated and most liberal bubble and have been largely insulated from feeling Weird or Unhealthy because it’s been easy for me to talk to friends about sex. Wouldn’t it be great if sex wasn’t Evil or Sanctified and Serios (depending on who you talk to), but an awesome part of life people could talk about if they wanted to? (If they want to being the key.)

So coming up are a series of posts (whoa, my first ever series) that talk about talking, what’s polite, what’s ok, and more. I’m doing this because I have so many things I want t talk about and each one deserves it’s own post. I can’t guarantee that they will go in any kind of order or that they’ll be one day after the next, because something awesome might happen that I want to tell you about. But they will all share this title, so you can find them easier.

The kicker is that I have a feeling this is An Issue for Generation Y, in the sense that with the new technologies and an almost-generation-spanning agreement in honesty and forthrightness, as well as a burning desire to change the world for the better, we have an opportunity to make up new rules about what is Polite, what is OK, and what is not.

I'm not that depressing/How to live in the moment

A combination of factors has kept me from posting since my last post about death, the most prominent of which being my lack of discipline when a) I'm overwhelmed or b) when I'm focusing on something else; last week it was exercising regularly for the first time in years. (Made it to the gym five days in a week though, whoohoo!). So whenever I had a second that post would pop into my head and I'd be all "everyone who reads me is going to be all depressed or think I'm all depressed" forgetting that a) I'm not reaching 25,000 people (yet) and b) the point of the post was that death shouldn't be depressing, but inspiring.

Then I saw this today over at Untemplater and had to share. THIS is what I meant, ok? Don't worry about death, guys, it happens to everyone. Be inspired by it. I think my example of enjoying the moments you're picking up dog poop would have been a good addition to the author's list. Especially at 3am in the morning when you have to walk out to the dumpster when all manners of terryfing creatures could be moving about. Isn't that why I agreed to get married in the first place, so there would always be a man to make that trip to the dumpster and face the potential threat of raccoons and rabid squirrels or werewolves?

But I digress.

I read this today as well on WikiHow, a great site for learning (generally) useless but interesting things when you should be doing something else (I know about a lot of these, ask if you need one). Zen driving is really the same concept, just applied to one specific, often stressful, scenario.

Often stressful for me. Remember the time I screamed at CW because I didn't merge in time to take the right exit out of Providence? Or how much I hate traffic? No? Be thankful.

Ways to live in the moment, be more positive, and avoid flipping out:

The tips in the Wiki article about focusing on breathing or the sensation in your hands and feet etc are helpful tools (not necessarily applicable when cleaning up dog poop; thinking about how sick the dog actually feels is more effective, ie, considering the feelings of others. Poor Maddie.). The Untemplater article is more abstract, but I like the idea of asking yourself if this is what you want to do on the last day of your life and watching out for too many no's. Because a few no's are ok; no one wants to go to the OB/GYN on the last day of her life.

There's also making a list of concrete actions to take when you're overwhelmed and freaking out. They've been telling me this since middle school, but breaking down your goals, even those actionable steps, into baby steps is hugely important. And the concept has finally sunken in. Hooray!

And then there's my favorite: thinking of something worse that could have happened. There is always a worse situation you could have to deal with. Like getting your face ripped off by a bear or getting bitten by a shark; use your imagination!

And when all else fails, call me and we'll go get a drink. Because being with other people helps take the focus off yourself and gives you an outlet. Plus alcohol is fun!

Dying Well

There was a lot of jibber-jabbering at the office today and I made a bonehead move that really bothered me. Then Maddie pooped on the stairs so I had to clean that up when I got home from lunch. And it still isn't Saturday so I was grumpy. I was driving back to work thinking "The only thing we have of any value on this earth is time, and I spend 8 hours every day at RedCoat Publishing hating every minute of it.

Not pleasent.

Then I read this story from Musings of a Distractable Mind, a blog I frequently find much in common with. (I found the story through Better Health, a always-fresh site that compiles posts from a community of bloggers you should check out if you have any interest in the healthcare.

The story is about a doctor and his patient who died recently, but did so without complaining. Just with a smirk and a joke, as DrRob said; the man was totally accepting of a fate that shouldn't have been his.

Also: today is the 65th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz.

What lessons did I take from this story and this fact?

Well, first that as bad as things may seem, I've never been put in a concentration camp and worked/starved to the brink of death. Or actually killed by incineration or gassing. So I should think about that next time I have to clean up dog poop.

But also, that as precious as our time is on this earth and as much as we should do to ge the most out of it, ultimately, we all die one way or another. It's gonna be over someday. All you can do is be grateful for what you were able to do with your life and accept it.

I may be unhappy where I am right now professionally, but its going to get better and I need to take responsibility for making it better. And in the mean time, there's not point to bitching about it because I'm a lot luckier than many.

Its very hard to remember that when you're standing in dog poop.

My goal: to pause when I'm standing in dog poop to remember that its just poop; that I'm fortunate, and that I have control over my own situation (clean off the dog poop, work to prevent stepping in it again).

My sister and I sometimes say, "At least you weren't bitten by a shark" when things are going particularly bad. You can fill in your unfortunate circumstance of choice but this one is good because it always causes me to smile a little.

Too deep for a blog post?